Rindu

Kau tak rindu aku langsung ke?

Aku? Aku setiap hari aku rindu. Ya Allah.

Tolonglaa bahagia. Semoga hari hari kau tak lekang dengan senyuman.

Confession

Even when I said "Just Go!"

But deep down on me. I was crying and saying

"Please stay"

Diploma In Science Graduate

So I've graduated from Diploma in Science. The experience was unbelievably fun. We started off the day by putting on makeup and wearing nice looking clothes. Well we gotta look sharp for the day that celebrate all the hardwork that we got for 3 years. Hahaha. And I went down to the hall with my parents and then met all of my diploma's friends. Nothing felt so good than this.

We took pictures, well lots of it and were asked to stand in line. So we marched into the hall and went inside. As soon as I  stepped on into the hall, i saw my parent holding up their cameras to take pictures of me. Haha (embrassing parent moment) but I can't lie I quite like it. I just love them.

And then as my name was called on stage, I stand there smiling and move across the stage to grab my diplomaa and then its over. As fast as that. But the excitement of it is unexplainable. You just have to experience it yourself. Haha.

Sorry for the late post as I never thought my graduation is going to be like this at all. My graduation is something I find really not to what I've planned it to be. But kita merancang, Allah yang menentukan.

Sila laa faham perasan aku bila that 2 person graduation picture that you posted. Well thats my dream. But who cares about my dream anyway.

But I'm still thankful for my parents and sister for coming and celebrating it with me. And my beautiful friends that I hold dearie. I forever be grateful to everything that you have given me, Ya Allah. 

Happy graduation Najmin. Congrats on the two star. You worked hard.

Letting Go

Broken,

My heart is broken, 

I have no words to describe what I am feeling right now. 

As if all the weight of the world slammed right on my face, 

But I try to live the day one day at the time,

I know this pain will heal, I know I will be back on my feet again, 

I know its not gonna be easy.

It was so hard. It was so hard to always tell yourself to always be happy when inside you are empty. You kept telling people you are strong but inside you are pretty much dying. You kept making sure you approach people by making they think that it doesn't bother you at all when its the only thing in your mind every single day

I am no way happy. I am when I am but when I am alone, I can hear my heartbeat goes on a speed and the pain came straight in and my eyes. My eyes can't lie. I looked into the mirror and all I can see was pain, I always hope he find his happiness. I always want him to be happy. I would say I never felt like this ever since my first love and I am pretty much sure that I felt happy when I am with him. Then, it happened.

Nonetheless, I thanked him for all those years and all those memories, I am simply was the happiest girl and he did brings out the best of me in any way possible. This is a post of me thanking him and letting him know I do really love him with all my heart when he decided to leave me and I am trying so hard to let go and I know I will, I will surely will. I have no regret because I did try to talk our way through it and he was pretty sure he has no feeling to me no more. And that is the hardest confession that I have to brace my entire life. Knowing a guy you love so much say he has no feeling to you anymore............................

And he hurts me. He left me feeling so vulnerable. It came to the point when I was wailing because the pain was unbearable and I kept it to myself. I rather let myself talk myself out because only I know who I am. And I am sad and I can't tell anyone about it. I can't tell him about it when I tell him everything when he used to be mine. I came to the point where I don't know who to talk to and I felt alone. I felt unwanted. I felt useless.

Maybe I do not love him anymore. Maybe I loved all the memories that we shared. He was always there but he didn't put his effort and make it last. I did but he gave up. He took my affection toward him for granted. All those sad days that I talked myself to forget was such a waste of time when all he did was gave up. I don't understand. Was all this what he wanted in the first place? Was it him who wanted this relationship in the first place? Last time I recall he the one asked me to be his and now he the one wanted out.

If he said he was lonely because it was a long distance relationship. Oh man, I was lonely but I never make it such a big deal. I know he was there and he was mine and that kept me going. But he just stop trying. He being such a coward. He chickened out.

But I miss him. Never in a day I am not. I looked out the window wondering did he ever felt the same way. I bet he not. I texted him a couple week after the breakup telling him I miss him and he read it and ignored it. I was shattered. I knew from that moment he seriously am a heartless person. After all that we been through, thick and thin, no money problems and many more, he just gonna throw me away. 

Maybe he saw himself seeing a much better women now that he is tough and with a car or whatever. Did he ever thought that I never see all that, I was with him when he has nothing, I pay for own food and never have I ever asked him to buy me expensive things but I guess I wasn't good enough for him and I will remember that forever. 

I hope he is happy and I hope he doesn't come back because I am done. I am completely destroyed and I can never see myself being myself ever again around him after all that he done to me. I am done.

To be able to say things that I kept to myself all this while when I am trying to move on is such a breath of new air. I am letting it out of my system and I am on a mission to find the next perfect man where I will fell heads over heels again and this time I hope he stayed because I can't afford another heartbreak because it is damn tiring. nuff said

Love, Najmin

My Long Awaited Hijab Story - The Misconception of People

I started wearing hijab from January this year and let me tell you. I never been happy in my entire life. 

All this time, I was not lost. I always have Allah S.W.T with me. Only Allah know how much I love my religion and He knows me better than anyone else. I talked to myself long and hard about hijab. I talked myself in, I talked myself out. I was actually stuck between my passion and my religion. The two that I have held close with me my entire life. 

I was a dancer. Yes. 'was'. It literally killed me to say it. You asked me how it felt like? It felt like apart of me dies. But I know, its for the good. (Literally crying right now). I was so happy when I dance. It was my comfort zone. One thing I know I'm good at. My parents are dancer and I live with them my entire life so you may discover that dancing has been so close to my heart. But to dance, is to not wear hijab. 

I can wear hijab and take it off to dance but I would be just a hypocrite. For me, its bad for the soul. To wear hijab is to know the right reason. For Allah S.W.T and that's the only thing I believe will keep the hijab for the rest of our life. And I was determined. I was ready before the New Year, then a slight doubt came across. What if people have only bad things to say? But of course I have nothing but moral support from my friends, acquaintance, boyfriend, family even strangers. I feel blessed. 

Before I wear hijab, I always have this feeling that when my friend would stop at the mosque so we could pray, I would feel like I was disrespecting Allah's home by not wearing hijab to enter his house. But I know He of all people, understand how I feel like. I can't stop the eyes that were looking at me in disregard. I can't stop from feeling sad about it either. But I always have supportive friend that look out for me. Some have prepare a hijab for me in the car if I forgot to bring one to go pray. I love them forever and ever for that. 

Misconception

When I was hijabless, I have been experience a lot of hatred. Not because of my soul but because of my appearance. And only God knows how hurtful it is. I discovered that some people feel like we are the lowest people in Islam and for me, its not fair. I may be hijabless but at least I learned a life lesson that I just have to treat people exactly the same way whether they wear hijab or not because we all the same in Islam. Allah loves ALL His people no matter what and He should have a saying in how high and low you were in Islam. I believe nobody is perfect. 

Its about self discovery and finding yourself. I never went to a club or drink alcohol or even get out of the house at night just to hang out until midnight. My dad would literally kill me. People that don't know me kept talking like I done all of that stuff and I was devastated. 

A hijabless friend told me that her boyfriend's aunt was bashing her about why did her boyfriend chose her to be his girlfriend ON THE FIRST DAY she met the aunt. Tell me if that fair? she's a person with a heart and soul and deserve a chance to find herself in her own way. She's one of the nicest person I've met. Just please get to know somebody first I beg you before you say anything mean. 

I'm not telling you to not advice. I have a few advices that I received that touches my heart. Some no need of word. A friend of mine touches my face when I was wearing telekung and just smile. I know exactly why and it warmth my heart. A simple gesture goes a long way. 

I hope this will stop people from judging without knowing. The most hurtful words are from those who we didn't know. 

Me wearing hijab is not for anyone else.

Its for myself, my parents and Allah S.W.T

And I feel everyone deserve to feel that for themselves.

InsyaAllah. 

I wanna thanks all that never judge me and never treat me differently. You will forever make a huge impact in my life, Humanity restores. 

Yours truthly, 

Najmin Roslan