Diploma In Science Graduate

So I've graduated from Diploma in Science. The experience was unbelievably fun. We started off the day by putting on makeup and wearing nice looking clothes. Well we gotta look sharp for the day that celebrate all the hardwork that we got for 3 years. Hahaha. And I went down to the hall with my parents and then met all of my diploma's friends. Nothing felt so good than this.

We took pictures, well lots of it and were asked to stand in line. So we marched into the hall and went inside. As soon as I  stepped on into the hall, i saw my parent holding up their cameras to take pictures of me. Haha (embrassing parent moment) but I can't lie I quite like it. I just love them.

And then as my name was called on stage, I stand there smiling and move across the stage to grab my diplomaa and then its over. As fast as that. But the excitement of it is unexplainable. You just have to experience it yourself. Haha.

Sorry for the late post as I never thought my graduation is going to be like this at all. My graduation is something I find really not to what I've planned it to be. But kita merancang, Allah yang menentukan.

Sila laa faham perasan aku bila that 2 person graduation picture that you posted. Well thats my dream. But who cares about my dream anyway.

But I'm still thankful for my parents and sister for coming and celebrating it with me. And my beautiful friends that I hold dearie. I forever be grateful to everything that you have given me, Ya Allah. 

Happy graduation Najmin. Congrats on the two star. You worked hard.

Letting Go

Broken,

My heart is broken, 

I have no words to describe what I am feeling right now. 

As if all the weight of the world slammed right on my face, 

But I try to live the day one day at the time,

I know this pain will heal, I know I will be back on my feet again, 

I know its not gonna be easy.

It was so hard. It was so hard to always tell yourself to always be happy when inside you are empty. You kept telling people you are strong but inside you are pretty much dying. You kept making sure you approach people by making they think that it doesn't bother you at all when its the only thing in your mind every single day

I am no way happy. I am when I am but when I am alone, I can hear my heartbeat goes on a speed and the pain came straight in and my eyes. My eyes can't lie. I looked into the mirror and all I can see was pain, I always hope he find his happiness. I always want him to be happy. I would say I never felt like this ever since my first love and I am pretty much sure that I felt happy when I am with him. Then, it happened.

Nonetheless, I thanked him for all those years and all those memories, I am simply was the happiest girl and he did brings out the best of me in any way possible. This is a post of me thanking him and letting him know I do really love him with all my heart when he decided to leave me and I am trying so hard to let go and I know I will, I will surely will. I have no regret because I did try to talk our way through it and he was pretty sure he has no feeling to me no more. And that is the hardest confession that I have to brace my entire life. Knowing a guy you love so much say he has no feeling to you anymore............................

And he hurts me. He left me feeling so vulnerable. It came to the point when I was wailing because the pain was unbearable and I kept it to myself. I rather let myself talk myself out because only I know who I am. And I am sad and I can't tell anyone about it. I can't tell him about it when I tell him everything when he used to be mine. I came to the point where I don't know who to talk to and I felt alone. I felt unwanted. I felt useless.

Maybe I do not love him anymore. Maybe I loved all the memories that we shared. He was always there but he didn't put his effort and make it last. I did but he gave up. He took my affection toward him for granted. All those sad days that I talked myself to forget was such a waste of time when all he did was gave up. I don't understand. Was all this what he wanted in the first place? Was it him who wanted this relationship in the first place? Last time I recall he the one asked me to be his and now he the one wanted out.

If he said he was lonely because it was a long distance relationship. Oh man, I was lonely but I never make it such a big deal. I know he was there and he was mine and that kept me going. But he just stop trying. He being such a coward. He chickened out.

But I miss him. Never in a day I am not. I looked out the window wondering did he ever felt the same way. I bet he not. I texted him a couple week after the breakup telling him I miss him and he read it and ignored it. I was shattered. I knew from that moment he seriously am a heartless person. After all that we been through, thick and thin, no money problems and many more, he just gonna throw me away. 

Maybe he saw himself seeing a much better women now that he is tough and with a car or whatever. Did he ever thought that I never see all that, I was with him when he has nothing, I pay for own food and never have I ever asked him to buy me expensive things but I guess I wasn't good enough for him and I will remember that forever. 

I hope he is happy and I hope he doesn't come back because I am done. I am completely destroyed and I can never see myself being myself ever again around him after all that he done to me. I am done.

To be able to say things that I kept to myself all this while when I am trying to move on is such a breath of new air. I am letting it out of my system and I am on a mission to find the next perfect man where I will fell heads over heels again and this time I hope he stayed because I can't afford another heartbreak because it is damn tiring. nuff said

Love, Najmin

My Long Awaited Hijab Story - The Misconception of People

I started wearing hijab from January this year and let me tell you. I never been happy in my entire life. 

All this time, I was not lost. I always have Allah S.W.T with me. Only Allah know how much I love my religion and He knows me better than anyone else. I talked to myself long and hard about hijab. I talked myself in, I talked myself out. I was actually stuck between my passion and my religion. The two that I have held close with me my entire life. 

I was a dancer. Yes. 'was'. It literally killed me to say it. You asked me how it felt like? It felt like apart of me dies. But I know, its for the good. (Literally crying right now). I was so happy when I dance. It was my comfort zone. One thing I know I'm good at. My parents are dancer and I live with them my entire life so you may discover that dancing has been so close to my heart. But to dance, is to not wear hijab. 

I can wear hijab and take it off to dance but I would be just a hypocrite. For me, its bad for the soul. To wear hijab is to know the right reason. For Allah S.W.T and that's the only thing I believe will keep the hijab for the rest of our life. And I was determined. I was ready before the New Year, then a slight doubt came across. What if people have only bad things to say? But of course I have nothing but moral support from my friends, acquaintance, boyfriend, family even strangers. I feel blessed. 

Before I wear hijab, I always have this feeling that when my friend would stop at the mosque so we could pray, I would feel like I was disrespecting Allah's home by not wearing hijab to enter his house. But I know He of all people, understand how I feel like. I can't stop the eyes that were looking at me in disregard. I can't stop from feeling sad about it either. But I always have supportive friend that look out for me. Some have prepare a hijab for me in the car if I forgot to bring one to go pray. I love them forever and ever for that. 

Misconception

When I was hijabless, I have been experience a lot of hatred. Not because of my soul but because of my appearance. And only God knows how hurtful it is. I discovered that some people feel like we are the lowest people in Islam and for me, its not fair. I may be hijabless but at least I learned a life lesson that I just have to treat people exactly the same way whether they wear hijab or not because we all the same in Islam. Allah loves ALL His people no matter what and He should have a saying in how high and low you were in Islam. I believe nobody is perfect. 

Its about self discovery and finding yourself. I never went to a club or drink alcohol or even get out of the house at night just to hang out until midnight. My dad would literally kill me. People that don't know me kept talking like I done all of that stuff and I was devastated. 

A hijabless friend told me that her boyfriend's aunt was bashing her about why did her boyfriend chose her to be his girlfriend ON THE FIRST DAY she met the aunt. Tell me if that fair? she's a person with a heart and soul and deserve a chance to find herself in her own way. She's one of the nicest person I've met. Just please get to know somebody first I beg you before you say anything mean. 

I'm not telling you to not advice. I have a few advices that I received that touches my heart. Some no need of word. A friend of mine touches my face when I was wearing telekung and just smile. I know exactly why and it warmth my heart. A simple gesture goes a long way. 

I hope this will stop people from judging without knowing. The most hurtful words are from those who we didn't know. 

Me wearing hijab is not for anyone else.

Its for myself, my parents and Allah S.W.T

And I feel everyone deserve to feel that for themselves.

InsyaAllah. 

I wanna thanks all that never judge me and never treat me differently. You will forever make a huge impact in my life, Humanity restores. 

Yours truthly, 

Najmin Roslan

Final October 2013

Its the end of semester 4! well, almost. How I wish I can say that right now. 1 more final paper and I'm outta here. I can't believe it is ending. Felt like yesterday I was so busy packing for the return to this university and now I'm going back again. How funnnnn!

Dear future me,
Don't ever forget how stressful it is to get that one roll of diploma and now go to work like you meant it, hehe. tak sabaq nak kerja,

I have 5 paper this semester. Finished all 4. 1 more. Biology. Why they always let the reading subject to be the last one. I'm sooo tired of reading. I will be so excited to go home to even care about biology but I can't fool around. Need to maintain that cgpa if I wanna be who I wanna be. And that is still the question? Hang nak jadi apa Najmin?

I have so many things to do in life. I have a list. Of things I wanna do. I know that will surprise you that I have a list because if you know me, I let thing go by just the way it is. Never expect things to be like I want it to be. Just don't want to get my hope so high for it to fall and crash and burned. You get the point. But I do. 

I am right now as I am writing is struggling really hard to read my biology. Just finished my physics paper today so my head is kinda in need of a rest but na'ah. I NEED TO READ. oh well. Sleeping pattern already changed though. Its 4am now as I'm writing this and I'm sure after subuh baru nak tidoq ni and who knows what time I'll wake up tomorrow. hehe. Teruk. 

Got a news a few day ago. Turned up I'm going to be president of Taming Sari next semester. I don't know why they give that position to me though. I am honoured, really but I'm scared as well. I hope the responsibility is something I can handle. I hope being the Pengerusi Kelab Kebudayaan SMK. Mahsuri will help me being the president for this cultural group in this university. I wish. 

Soo, I gotta do more biology reading and then off to bed. Thanks for reading. Whoever you are. :)

NajminRoslan

My Ramadhan and Aidilfitri Celebration

So everyone here know that its Syawal already. We had been fasting for a month and its time for a celebration. So the question is. Puasa penuh ke? HAHA. well, I'm a girl. Of course not but I definitely will have fun ganti it. A month of fasting is so much fun. Let me tell you why. Its the only month where my mom would cook so many food for our break fast. I always look forward to coming home just because my mom would cook all my favorite food. Oh well, I'm her youngest daughter. Its her job to spoil me. And for sahur, my mom would wake us up well in my mom case, call us because she don't want to climb the stairs just to wake us up so modern technology did help her knee on this case. :) 

Its a bit different in college, I have to find my own food for break fast. They have this thing called Bazar Ramadhan in Malaysia if you guys not from Malaysia. (Bajet ada orang luar baca blog). Anyway, this Bazar Ramadhan is like a market place where they sell tons of food! amazing food that sometimes you only sees during Ramadhan. So that's where I got my food for my break fast and usually in the morning for sahur. I just had cookies and biscuits and water. That's enough for me.

So after a month of fasting, That's where Eid where we call it Hari Raya here in Malaysia came. So on Hari Raya's eve. Hari Raya as a little kid always been interesting. The best part of it is that you got moneyy. Well, In my hometown, we would gather around to collect money from house to house just like trickatreating on Halloween. But instead of sweets, we get money. But of course during that time of the day, we would only got like 10 and 20 cent and if one house gave you 50 cent. You'll be ecstatic and would tell others about the house. hahaha. Kids.  

So this year celebration. I'm no kid. I'm a 20 years old. My family and I went to Sungai Petani to my relative's house and we had our last break fast there. Then we head out to look for market places just to het into the festive mood, you know. Where people shop last minute and sellers lower their price to get rid of the stuff because people wouldn't buy that stuff anymore after Hari Raya such as cookies, serunding, Hari Raya clothes and so much more. 

But we ended up buying none the less, firework. My uncle bought tons of it and we had so much fun playing with it. Noted the no one get hurt. There is one time where the firework went off guard and almost hit us but we're good. Hand and feet still here. :) So my family went home to our house in Alor Setar at midnight and went straight to bed because we got a long day tomorrow. 

So basically, the first day is all about going to the mosque and pray and visit relative and pay a visit to the graveyard and eat, eat and eat. Its like the month of fasting was wasted on that day. We went to Changlun on the first day where my father's side of the family live. And on the second day, we went to Penang which is my mother's side of the family and held a open house at our house on the third day and that's it.

Wouldn't go detail though because I don't want to bore you guys to death. 

Going back to college on the fifth day of Raya which is tomorrow as I'm writing this. I don't want to. I have a Physic Test coming up and I'm in my Raya mood still. This suck!

So, That's it. I hope you guys have a splendid Eid celebration as well as I am.

Praying that we will see the holy month again next year and more years to come. 

InsyaAllah. Amin. 

SELAMAT HARI RAYA EVERYBODYYYY!

Inspirational words.

...........................................................................................

Take chances, take a lot of them. 

Because honestly,

No matter where you end up with or with whom.

It always ends up just the way it should be.

Your mistakes make who you are.

You learn and grow with each choice you make.

Everything is worth it.

Say how you feels, always. 

BE YOU, AND BE OKAY WITH IT. 

.........................................................................................

La di da di daaaa

Basically you guys should now that I'm bored to death here. 

Currently in Shah Alam with my sister before going back to a life prison in Arau for another semester. Haha.

It's not thaaaaat bad. 

So, i was thinking of just writing a total random things here in this blog post because I have nothing better to do. I'm sorry if this blog post gonna totally waste your time. Haha. Better back out now before its tooo late. Haha. I want to talk about what happen this holiday. 2 month of total freedom. Basically I just stay at Alor Star with my mom. We open a store at Ukir Mall. So guess who have to do all the lifting? This strong chick over here. Mmmhhnm *shows muscle*. Then I went to help my mom teaches kids some traditional dances. It was fun. Doesn't feel like a job at all. Well it's not. I didn't get paid for that but I had the best time of my life. You never will ever take traditional dances out from this girl's life. 

Thennn what else, oh yeah more sleeping and definitely more eating. I can't help it. I tried to not sleep after subuh. But i can't. I just can't wake up early after that. Masa tu laa nak mimpi semua. Haha. Well. I have nobody to blame but myself for being fat. Haha. That's include eating though, my mom is the best cook ever. One plate of rice is not enough. Haha. But then I won't get to eat her food after I go back to Arau. It's all worth it. Haha.

After that, I went to KL to do some volunteering and reunited with some friends. Its AFS 55th Anniversary Gala Dinner . So I gotta do some volunteering but mostly we just hang that night. Haha. It's good to see everyone again. Some of them I didn't see for 2 years. Then it's airport run where have to sent off delegates from other countries to KL Sentral to take their plane back to their countries. 

I met some awesome new people. The delegates from Australia, China and Philippines. I was lost with the Australian delegate in KL Sentral. I'm not a KL person either, dude. haha. The one from  Philippines really amaze how I travel for 6 hours from up north to do some volunteering. It was fun. They totally know my host mom, Val Virag because she did told me that she went to the Philippines before and one of them even went to my house in Ohio before. That was awesome to know, it's a small world after all, like literally. How come someone from Philippines met someone from Malaysia and they know the exact same person from USA. Haha. That's just so cool. 

My parent are coming to KL today to visit my pak long who currently not feeling very well. So finally we can have a nice trip together plus the road trip back home to Kedah. I just loveeeee road trip. Haha. Another week before I'm going back to Arau but totally having mix feeling. So happy to be back yet so sad that the holiday is over. Planning to go to Penang with Pah Meera before our classes starts. We'll see how it goes,

So that enough chit chatting this time. I'll talk to you guys later. Sorry for wasting your time. Haha 

Lots of love, 

Najmin Roslan.